Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender marriages thrive

Glenn A. LeCarl – Tallahassee.com

This spring my life-partner and I are celebrating our 10th anniversary together. While some might say that 10 years of marriage is no big deal — even in this age of high divorce rates — clearly it is a milestone year, and especially for a gay couple like us. I should note from the start that I do not place marriage in quotation marks, as though ours somehow doesn’t measure up; our marriage is different in some ways and very much the same in others, but it is certainly not less. We know what a precious gift we have in each other.

Our love and commitment, in fact, are as strong and vital as in the best heterosexual marriages, often more so.

Why? Because like all successful lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) marriages, ours thrives despite formidable odds, any one of which would crush many heterosexual marriages. Little wonder LGBT friends and acquaintances tell us our 10 years is actually twenty, even 30 — in straight years.

No one should be surprised by this perception. In place of the myriad ways that heterosexual marriages are incorporated, supported, celebrated and promoted ours’ are denied, excluded, discouraged and condemned. Marriage of any type is, of course, not always easy, even if strong and under the best of circumstances. Imagine for a moment though people praying for your marriage to fail; widespread preaching and protesting against it; laws and constitutional amendments enacted that are overtly hostile to your family; hospitals blocking you from your spouse’s bedside; having your children torn from your life when your spouse, the biological parent, dies; or being unable to carry out your spouse’s final wishes. I could easily go on, and on.

A preacher appearing recently on one of our local universities’ TV station indicated that the current fight for marriage equality is unnecessary because, he argued, LGBT couples can secure every right of marriage through other legal means. Aside from being blatantly false — no attorney, no matter how skilled, can obtain rights for us expressly denied by law — his assertion also conveniently omitted the host of health, financial, tax and other benefits denied LGBT couples, including the ability to bequeath to our life-partners the pension, Social Security and veterans benefits we have earned.

Sure, a modicum of security can be found through wills, life insurance, the titling of assets, living wills, medical releases, health care surrogates, etc.; but they can all easily come to naught, when confronted by a bigoted emergency room staff, judge or relation who refuses to honor them. Eventually such arrangements would likely be upheld, but at a potentially terrible human and material cost, and at the worst possible times in a person’s life.

In the eyes of society, many institutions and employers, the law and government my life-partner and I are merely strangers to one another. Actually, an estranged parent, distant sibling or young niece or nephew has more rights to decide our fate or claim our assets.

My partner and I at least have the love and support of our parents and other key family members. We have also been blessed over the years with some great neighbors and local affiliations. Not all LGBT couples are so fortunate and instead find alienation, exclusion and second-class treatment from those they love or from those with whom they associate in their neighborhoods, communities, and religious organizations.

Marriage for LGBT people requires facing these additional burdens and more, particularly in states like Florida which have banned same-sex marriage; and in some cases, like Florida again, which have prohibited adoption by same-sex couples (Florida is the most restrictive, in fact, disallowing adoption by lesbian, gay and bisexual individuals as well).

Lacking federal recognition and general acceptance of their marriages, even in the growing list of forward-looking states that have legalized same-sex marriage, the unique burdens on LGBT couples remain substantial. However, vast numbers of LGBT couples, like us, are passionate about and committed to their marriages, as aptly demonstrated by the enthusiastic throngs of LGBT couples lining up to make their marriages legal where newly permitted.

The homophobia that today stands in the way of most LGBT couples unfortunately finds some common ground with the racism that once blocked many interracial marriages. I in no way seek to minimize the profound historical differences between the injustices African-Americans have experienced, and continue to experience, and those impacting LGBT Americans; yet, both groups share the experience of being denied their right to marry the person of their choice — if of another race or of the same gender, respectively.

In striking down miscegenation laws the U.S. Supreme Court (Loving vs. Virginia, 1967) stood up to the prevailing prejudices of the time and explicitly acknowledged that marriage is indeed a civil right. Not only does this history thereby connect with the current fight for marriage rights and the vital, if oft maligned, role of the courts in protecting individual liberties and minority rights; but it does on a deeply personal basis as well: I am white, my partner is African-American.

We are a prime example that marriages come in many forms, and what works for us may not for others, and likewise. But I can only hope other couples straight and LGBT find the happiness we have together; and for us our full marriage rights, and another 10 years, and another.